Portal to Hell

I opened a portal to Hell the other day.  This caused the dog to shoot out the open sliding glass door like a bullet.  It was a full-bore, every-man-for-himself cartoon move.  He may have even galloped in place for a few seconds before he got enough traction to BLAST out the door with the unspoken words spilling out of the air behind him: Get me OWDAAA heeeeeeeeere!!!!

Now, how exactly did I open this portal?!  Well, truth be told – it wasn’t actually a portal; It was just the ironing board.  This must have been the first time I used it since the dog came to live with us in March.  [Hello?  You know I can see you through the computer, right?!   And you know I can see you counting the months on your fingers.  So I’ll just go ahead and do it for you: March, April, May, June, July, August, September, and October.  Yep.  That’s 8 months.  Is that unusual that I haven’t gotten the ironing board out in 8 months?  In my own defense, all I can say is that I had a roommate in college who ironed her SHEETS and I’ve been rebelling ever since.]

You know who else went all cartoon-y on my a$$ with the “8 months since I’ve gotten out the ironing board” shtick?  The kids with their, “Where did you get THAT?  Where did that COME FROM?!”

Really?  REALLY??  They’re gonna claim THEY’VE never seen it EITHER?  Come on!  That’s just ridiculous!!  I KNOW the kids have seen the ironing board before.  Who CARES if they last saw it before they had memories, right?  In fact, it’s totally justifiable that my “It’s an IRONING board…and it’s been in the laundry room the ENTIRE time we’ve LIVED here!” response was a bit sharp.

But because it’s been cooped up for (at least) 8 months, it was especially… squeeeEEEEEEEAAAKKKKKKkkyyyyyyyy.  Total Haunted House squeeeEEEEEEEAAAKKKKKKkkyyyyyyyy.  So you can see how it was mistaken as a portal to Hell.  Especially when you don’t spare a backward glance at where the squeak is coming from as you’re shooting out of your scaredy-cat cannon.

Now, if you asked the scaredy-cat…er…dog, he’d tell you I’ve opened up many, many portals to Hell.  If you asked me, I’d tell you I use the mixer, vacuum cleaner and hairdryer much more frequently than the ironing board.  So you think he would have gotten over it and grown up already.  Get used to the Hell portals whydoncha?!?

But no.  All the portals have the same effect.  They require that the dog thoroughly saturate the immediate vicinity with pee, then get doggone for 2 or 3 hours – skulking around the backyard (rustle, rustle, rustle….nope, I can still see you behind that tree…rustle, rustle, rustle…Nope, I can still see you behind that bush) and gradually creeping closer and closer to the house to determine when/if the coast is clear.  Side note: a treat usually helps him gain clarity on clear coast time.

Except?  Except lately, the dog hasn’t been spraying pee everywhere before he shoots out of his cannon.

Maybe he IS growing up after all?!?  Better bladder control is ALWAYS a sign of maturity, right?  Well…until it peaks and then you find yourself on the DOWNSLOPE of bladder control.  But that’s a whole ‘nother show, Folks.  For a whole ‘nother day.  In the meantime, thanks for stoppin’ by.

Leave a Reply