Plyometrics

[Full disclosure: Even though I’ve been doing P90X since January, today was the first day I’ve done the Plyometrics dvd.  I’ve been substituting running-on-the-treadmill for Plyometrics.  But the new, renewed P90X me is in it to win it!  Thus the Plyometrics maiden voyage today.]

First off, it’s important to note that Tony Horton defines Plyometrics as “Jump Training.”  In which case, I have renamed this dvd to PEEometrics.  And it’s supposed to take 58 minutes from warm-up to cool-down.  But with all the JUMP training going on, it takes me twice as long for the pause-and-run-to-the-bathroom component I’ve had to build in.

But I do have this to say for the dvd: at least the people in this segment are the least annoying of the bunch.  There’s Dominic who does all the exercises on steroids.  There’s Pam (she’s mostly annoying because Tony keeps calling her Pam the Blam.  Ugh.  See?  Annoying, right??).  And then there’s a one-legged man named Eric!  He puts the fear of God into you right up front because now you’re thinking, “OMG!  If I can’t do this stuff and a one-legged man CAN?!  Then I’m a TOTAL exercise loser!!”

And what’s up with the fake band-aid on his leg?  What’s that all about??  Tony “outs” Eric’s fake leg right up front, but I didn’t notice it because I was so focused on his BAND-AID.  (Which technically isn’t fake.  The leg is.)  Also, Eric has this secret smile on his face the entire time.  Which I find odd.  Either this is the best time he’s had all day.  Or he’s secretly planning to jump Dominic in the parking lot afterwards for making the rest of us look bad.

Anyway…this pee-ing after every move is a total drag.  So I looked up “suggested approaches” to overcoming this issue on BeachBody.com.  The go-to resource for questions that Tony mentions CONSTANTLY.   And??  Nothin’.  ‘Cause Tony didn’t plan for that, did he?

That, my friends, is called a Flaw in the Plan.  Kind of like the Flaw in my Pull-Up Bar Plan.  I now have a pull-up bar.  And it’s now mounted over the bathroom door.  The Flaw in THAT Plan is that the bathroom door won’t close when the pull-up bar is mounted on it.  Which is fine when it’s just me and the dog doing PEEometrics (this is the place where MOMMY pee-pees, Teddy).  But add a week-end party to the mix and the Flaw in the Plan becomes self-evident!

So.  Where does all of this leave us?  Basically we spend the entire time jumping and/or doing a variety of cartoon character moves.  When we’re not acting like we’re avoiding the Acme TNT, we’re acting like we’re in some alcohol-fueled Saturday Night Live skit (Mary Katherine lunges, anyone?). And no matter what we do – Tony exhorts us to “Land like a cat!”  or “Land like Spiderman!”  At which point I exhort Tony to bite me.

Pssst!  Dominic.  We’re just doing front-to-back jumps.  Not ALL THE WAY AROUND jumps.  You look like a DEMENTED BALLERINA!  So knock it off, ya moron!  And if Eric’s getting a plan together to GET YOU after class?  I’m totally in!

I’ll just close this blog post with….Squat Jacks??  SQUAT Jacks?!??!  ‘Nuf said.

Why yes, Teddy.  This is where Mommy pee-pees!

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