Kenpo X

Don’t get me wrong.  I actually LIKE this P90X dvd.  It’s just that we have Wesley in the back of the gym who’s acting like Frankenstein fresh out of surgery.  And I worry the WHOLE time that he won’t be able to swing his arms around in time to complete the jab-hook-cross-uppercut sequence.  I mean, it’s SOOOO distracting I can’t focus on anything else.

Except for the repetition-countdown-clock in the lower left corner of the screen.  That I watch like a FRIGGIN’ HAWK!  And ya know what?  Tony spends the whole time trying to pull a fast one on us.  He constantly does one or two more reps than we’ve accounted for.  CUT THAT CRAP OUT RIGHT NOW, Tone-ster.  None of us are here to challenge ourselves.  We’re here to survive.  And in Wesley’s case, he’s busy just trying to remember where he left his black orthopedic shoes and turtleneck.

Instead of your rep-rip-off scam, Tony, why don’t you focus more on coming up with creative Kenpo-specific exercises?

You see, there comes this point in the dvd where he clearly runs out of things to do and it suddenly becomes “X Time.”  Basically “X Time” is an airborne spread eagle done over and over again.  There may be some “power noises” we’re also required to make during “X Time.”  My power noises may sound suspiciously like swearwords aimed specifically at Tony’s manhood.  But aside from the “power noises” I’m not sure what the rest of “X Time” has to do with martial arts.  So KNOCK IT OFF!  It’s way too pee-provoking and I don’t care if we’re trying to buy Wesley some time as he lurches around in the background towelling off.  More karate, less jumping.  Now back to work!

And speaking of WORK, if I had a job I wouldn’t be doing ANY of this nonsense.  So…more jobs, less nonsense!

But until that job arrives…while I’m mostly focused on Wesley (and Tony natch), I do have to mention that there are two other folks in this dvd.  One is a red-haired chick named Vanessa.  All I know about her is that she’s engaged to a dude in another P90X dvd.  In fact, I think he’s in the Ab Ripper X dvd.  So I see him quite frequently.  Perhaps more frequently than Vanessa does?  Either way, it’s best that they’re together.  I find that fit, Tony-Hortonish people should marry and have fit, Tony-Hortonish babies and leave the rest of us out of it.

Finally, there’s Tony 2.  He’s #2 because he’s also super fit and fanatical about it?  No.  Oh, he’s ALSO named Tony!  Noooo.  That’s not vain in any way, Tony 1.

And Tony 2 is of the Dominic from the Plyometrics dvd school of torture.  Everything he does is way over the top and executed with military precision (he’s a former marine who looks and acts like Billy Blanks of Tae Bo fame).  So unlike Dominic, he might actually put up a fight when we jump him in the parking lot after class.  But that’s ok.  I almost have my jab-hook-cross-uppercut sequence perfected.  Wesley won’t be joining us.

Leave a Reply