Job Interview Tips n’ Tricks

Before you even consider going on a job interview, get a suit.  This is absolutely necessary.  I’ve been on interviews where they say, “DON’T wear a suit!” to let you know how casual and cutting-edge their organization is.  But if you’re reading this, then you’re never gonna get that kind of job.  Instead, there will come a time when you MUST wear a suit.  So, make sure you have one – preferably black, purchased at Kohl’s with your 30% off coupon.  And since the suit will be just over the fifty-buck mark, you’ll get $10 back in Kohl’s Cash thankyouverymuch.  Admittedly, the black of the pants doesn’t…quite…match the black of the blazer.  But that’s fine.  We’re not doing the matchy-matchy thing anymore.  That was so 80’s.  Also, the slightly mis-matched suit makes you look like you need a job.  Perfect!  Because you’re going on an interview.  For a job.

Prior to the interview, ensure that you’ve looked up your interviewers on LinkedIn and have researched the company and the role blah, blah, BLAH!

What is key here is to research which unique item you’ll be wearing WITH your mis-matched black suit.  Since you’re going for “memorable in the minds of your interviewers” some people prefer to wear a distinctive pin.  Or a colorful scarf.  I personally prefer to just be getting over a cold and therefore have a red, crusty patch of flaky skin right below my nose.  It’s distinctive and makes people wonder what you’ve been doing with your free time.  If the interview timing is off, and you’ve fully recovered from your cold, then one or two huge stress zits will do.  It’s all the better if you can ensure that your stress zit either a) sits to the side of your nose and is so huge that it slightly squeezes one eye shut or b) sits on the very tip of your nose so as to slightly skew your entire schnoz to the right.  Again, we’re going for “memorable” so if you can touch the zit DURING the interview just to see if it still hurts…ow! still hurts….ow! yep, still hurts…then do so.    

If you can’t work up a zit in or around your nose – then in a pinch – a slew of chin zits will do.  But in the case of chin zits, make sure to spackle the hell out of the entire chin so that it looks like you’re wearing a prosthesis of some sort.  And since I’m not trying to offend those with prosthetic chins, I’ll instead describe the look you’re going for as some sort of transgender effort to cover up your 5 o’clock shadow.  

And since I’m not trying to offend transgender folks either, we’ll now move along to the actual interview itself.  Make sure you start off the interview with a joke or two.  Recently I found myself facing a set of back-to-back interview panels scheduled with six men.  Naw, not intimidating to ME at all.  But to defray any nerves THEY might have felt about the situation, before we got started I said to those gathered, “You’re not gonna make me run through any football drills are you?”  Judging by how hard one fella laughed at that comment, I’m pretty sure they were originally considering it. 

No matter.  Talk about yourself in a bragg-y sort of way.  But not too bragg-y, mind you.  It’s a fine line.  Know it.  Walk it! 

Also?  Ask insightful questions about corporate culture and how success would be defined for the position currently under consideration.  Throw in some comments about “value-add” and “strengths.”   And whatever you do, be sure to turn that dreaded question around.  Which question?  Why that question where they ask, “describe a project that didn’t go so well for you.”  Yep.  That question can always be turned around so that you SHINE; turn that frown upside down every chance you get.  

And there you are!  You have just weathered another successful interview! 

When you get back to our car, look in the rearview mirror and note the dried eye booger that must have been there the ENTIRE time. 

Oh, I almost forgot!  Thank you notes.  Don’t bother to send ’em.  You didn’t get the job anyway.  See “dried eye booger” above.

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