How to get the stomach bug in a few easy steps:

Step 1:  Go to a Halloween party where the host’s son has been throwing up since 2 a.m. that day.  Dress as a witch (and then joke that you came as yourself – heh, heh, heh).  Your husband should dress as Walter White from Breaking Bad.  No one will know him or his character – until they look him up on the internet and then think he looks EXACTLY like Walter White, complete with porkpie hat.  (As a side note: if a pork pie looks like THAT?  I’m glad I never ate one.)  But actually…your costume makes no-never-mind.  What you REALLY should do is avoid the sick boy when he makes an appearance without a costume and a bad case of bed-head.  Forget to tell your children to avoid the sick boy.

Step 2:  When your daughter develops stomach bug symptoms very early the following morning, do all you can to comfort her while avoiding touching anything she has touched.  As a precautionary measure, thoroughly wash your hands up to the elbows every time you’re within breathing distance of her.  Lysol all surfaces upstairs-and-downstairs for good measure.

Step 3:  Set sick daughter on the couch after the first throw-up bout to watch some cartoons.  Multitask the heck out of the morning.  If you’re up that early, you may as well make it count: make yourself oodles of coffee, sort through mail, look up recipes and craft projects, clean out kitchen drawers and so on and so forth.  In general, organize everyone’s life while swigging hot joe.

Step 4:  When you get tired of all the moaning and groaning from the couch about how she’d like to throw up because that would make her feel better – but she doesn’t WANT to throw up because she hates it – make the sick daughter some peppermint tea to “force the issue.”

Step 5:  Present sick daughter with peppermint tea, and when the first few sips have stayed down for 5 minutes, present her with her mug for a few more sips.  When she is done, do NOT place the mug on the table by the couch because the dog will knock it off and spill it everywhere.  Instead, place the mug on the kitchen table.

Step 6:  Congratulate yourself on outsmarting the dumb-dumb posse all while organizing everyone’s life AND the kitchen drawers to boot!  Take several big gulps of your coffee.  Then wonder why your coffee tastes like…PEPPERMINT TEA!!!!

Step 7:  Gaaack!  gaaaaAAAACKKKKKK!!!  Gaaaackity gack from GACK town!  GAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKK!!!!  Stomach bug – here I come!  WHEEEEeeeeeeeeeee!!!

And also?  Dumb-Dumb Posse…UNITE!

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