In the spirit of the season, let’s deconstruct some Christmas Carols, shall we? Why, yes. Yes, we shall. ‘Cause it’s my blog. And what I say we shall do, we shall! Yay!!
Let It Snow. I can never quite figure out WHAT is going on here. Is this a cute, harmless song about love-in-the-winter? Or is there something smuttier at work here? How long, exactly, have they been “good-byeing.” And what does this “good-byeing” entail?? As long as you love me so (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
Silver Bells. There’s this one part in the song that causes confusion in my family every time we hear it. It starts out with: Hear the snow crunch. And then opinions diverge from there. Sonny insists the next line is: See the kids PUNCH. Yes, punch. As in: the kids have been waiting too long for Santa and now they’re taking it out on each other. [Newsflash to the kids in this version of the song: Fatman ain’t comin’ if all y’all are gonna be punchin’ eachother like that.] On the other hand, Sissy and Hubby insist the word is not punch (because ‘punch’?…in a Christmas Carol??…would be too silly!) but is, instead, ‘munch’. As in: the kids are happy to wait in line to see Santa because some kind soul handed out candy canes earlier. So now, while the children wait in an orderly fashion, they MUNCH. But…they’re ALL wrong. And I’m right. [Surprise, surprise.] Because what is ACTUALLY going on here is some ‘Breakfast with Santa’ scenario: See the kids BRUNCH! This is Santa’s big scene!!
Holly Jolly Christmas. I think some Type A person, who was hard-of-hearing, wrote this one. Have a holly jolly Christmas [note controlling you-must-do-this-a-certain-way tone of voice]. And in case you didn’t hear (Noooo…we heard it just fine. Maybe YOU’RE the one who needs a hearing test.) Oh by golly, have a holly jolly Christmas this year! [note repetitive holly, jolly demands] Also? That part where the old feller (who sounds suspiciously like the snowman from the Rudolph t.v. special) tells you that somebody waits for you, KISS HER ONCE FOR ME! Er…Creep Factor 100, Snowman.
We Need a Little Christmas. The person in this song is wound a bit too tight, don’t you think? We need a little Christmas. RIGHT. THIS. VERY. MINUTE!!! Uh…ok. Settle down, Sparky. It’s a’comin’. Just hang in there. Also? If the rising or falling of your spirits is dependent upon hauling out holly? Then you should see someone for that. It’s called Seasonal Affective Disorder – or SAD. The cure? Sunlight. Go to Australia. They have Christmas on the beach in the middle of summer. No one is stressed. And there’s shrimp on the barbie. To cure SAD in Russia they make you stand in front of an ultraviolet light in your underpants. Definitely go to Australia instead.
And then there’s something my husband calls the “Coo-coo Dame” songs. These songs are basically any Christmas song sung by Frank Sinatra. I love those J-i-n-G-le BELLS! Oh! Those holiday J-i-n-G-l-e BELLS! Those happy J-i-n-G-l-e B-e double L-S. I love those J-i-n-G-l-e BELLS! Oy vey. There is absolutely NO NEED to jazz up classics with Coo-Coo Dame shenanigans. Am I right? Or am I right?? [Hint #1: I’m right. Hint #2: I’m always right. Hint #3: We’ve been over this already, SHALL we go over it again??]