Have you taken a look-see at any of those puzzling Matthew McConaughey commercials? I’m not 100% sure what he’s selling in them, but judging by the most recent one I witnessed, I believe he’s offering tours of his Texas ranch from the back seat of his car.

‘Ceptin during said tour, it seems like you’re gonna conveniently “run into” Matthew’s childhood bull named Old Cyrus. Old Cyrus was a fun 4-H project back when Matt was 13.  He was a blue ribbon winner in the Beef Cattle Category.  But Old Cyrus got hip to the jive and took off before Matt could sell him to the highest bidder.

And now? Now he just roams the ranch waiting for payback.  So whenever Matt meets him on the road, the bull makes him all anxious and sweaty as he’s sitting in the front seat of his car giving tours to people.  In addition to being all sweaty and whatnot, somethin’s up with Matt’s hair too.  But I’m not sure that has anything to do with Old Cyrus.

Anyway, Old Cyrus stands his ground during the tour and eventually Matthew will have to take you back to the ranch. Probably for more hemp and bongo drum solos.

You should buy this tour. But then skip the tour and just stay back at the ranch.  Otherwise you might be subjected to Matt’s disturbing hangnail as he drives you around in the front seat of his nifty car. (Matt will be in the front; You’ll be in the back.  Just wanted to clarify.)

And even if YOU were in the front and HE was in the back?  He wouldn’t be able to leave his hangnail alone.  He rubs it back and forth, round and round.

The motion he makes as he scopes out his hangnail is oddly reminiscent of Captain Queeg from the Caine Mutiny* when Queeg rolls marbles in his hand as he descends into madness. But that’s not what’s happening in this commercial.  Matt’s just got an annoying hangnail.

Yep, for sure buy this tour. But then maybe skip the tour and just stay back at the ranch.

*You read the Caine Mutiny by Herman Wouk, right? It’s as dry as dust except for the parts where Queeg, the ship’s captain, slowly loses his marbles (heh, heh, pun intended).  It’s always fun reading about crazy ship captains.  And there are LOTS of crazy ship captains.  Let’s see…we have Captain Queeg with the marbles.  Captain Ahab from Moby Dick is pretty cray-cray too.  Hmmm.  Are there only two crazy captains?  Can’t be.  Maybe I’m also thinking of Cook?  Captain Cook was pretty nutso there at the end, wasn’t he?  I seem to recall something about walrus meat and lots of barroom brawls minus the barrooms.  And what about HOOK!?  Oh my gosh!  Let’s not forget Captain Hook!!  That’s as cracked as they come, what with his hook hand and all.  See?  Just give me enough time and I can always prove my point.  P.S.  Buy that tour Matt’s selling.  He’s not a crazy captain or anything.  He’s just a guy with a bothersome hangnail driving you in his car back to the ranch.