Arsenic and Old Lace*

Quick question…can you tell what this is?

No??

I’ll give you a hint.  It’s a science project my daughter had to do over Spring Break. 

Isn’t that super fun?!  And by super fun I mean the worst plan the science teacher ever had: to make the science project due the day the children return from Spring Break.  Which means you have to spend your Spring Break DOING the science project.  Geesh.

I’ll give you another hint.  Sissy is studying the Periodic Table of Elements in Sixth Grade Science.  This just gets better and better, doesn’t it?  And she thought it would be a fun idea (and by fun idea I mean she now understands it was a terrible idea) to choose something from the Periodic Table with an atomic number of 33 as the subject of her project.

Ding, ding, ding!  That’s right!!  This is indeed a model of ARSENIC!  Ten points to the science-y nerds on my right.  And you know what Arsenic has?  THIRTY THREE PROTONS.  THIRTY THREE ELECTRONS.  AND FORTY TWO NEUTRONS!!!  YAY, ARSENIC! 

You see what I mean now about this being so much fun, right?  So much FRICKIN’ fun!  Woo-hoo for science teachers and spring break.  WOOO HOOOO!!!  And pay no attention to that smudge on the screen right there –>    <– That’s from my tears.  Or it could be some brainfluid that dribbled off my chin when the whole top of my head sheared off.  Because you know what you have to do with all these protons and neutrons and so forth??  You have to create a true-to-life MODEL of your chosen atom, complete with fifty gatrillon pompoms-in-different-colors representing all of those BLEEPIN’ protonselectronsneutrons.  All suspended somehow in mid-air using nothing but the power of your mind and a really BIG sense of disbelief.  And it helps if you squint one eye completely shut.  And have silver floral wire.

Now, I’m not one to propose or condone violence.  But as a special “thank you” to the teacher for completely botching our Spring Break (and for making me cry and lose some much-needed brain fluid…and the entire top of my head), do you think she’d notice if I slipped a little of this arsenic into her coffee next Monday morning?  Or do you think the red mini pompoms hot glued to the floral wire sticking completely OUT of her coffee cup might clue her in to the fact that someone’s tryin’ to do her wrong??

But thank God for small favors, because we did NOT have to include the Valence Electrons in the model.  And how many Valence Electrons does Arsenic have anyway?  Glad you asked.  It has five.  Wah-wah-waaaaah.  So that’s why I would have LOVED to have included those.  Extra Credit much?  Besides, really, what’s five more pompoms when you’ve already lost the entire part-of-your-head-that-has-hair-on-it in this effort. 

Either way, I hope I…er…SISSY gets an “A.”  “A” as in ARSENIC!!!!

*Today’s blog actually has NOTHING to do with that old Cary Grant movie “Arsenic and Old Lace.”  Which is actually a funny movie.  Even though it is in black and white.  And has that actor with those googly eyes.  But it was a catchy title, so I used it.  If you have better ideas for titles for MY blog, you can just keep them to yourself.  Because this is MY blog.  Thanks for stoppin’ by.

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