All Sewn Up

Matthew 13:3 – Jesus told them many things in parables, saying: “A sower went out to sow.”

I’ve decided to turn this into a religious blog.  Thank you for stopping by.  I’m wishing you a warm welcome in Christ!

HAHAHAHAhahahahahaha!!!

You are a total knucklehead if you believed that I would become a religious blogger.  In addition to all of the ^%$#!* swearwords I sprinkle throughout my posts, there’s also the mockery [please refer to “you are a total knucklehead” above] and the anger.

In other words: Me?  As a religious blogger?!  Bless yer pea-pickin’ heart, but no.  Thank you though.

What I ACTUALLY meant to say at the beginning of the blog was: A sewer went out to SEW. 

And take a gander at what the poor thing had to sew ON!

Yes, this is an antique I just received.  It came to me by way of a cross-country trip from Southern Virginia after spending a four-year stint in my sister’s basement preceded by sixty years or so in my grandmother’s unheated New Hampshire barn (baaahn). 

It was manufactured in 1909 and are you out of yer ever lovin’ MIND?!?  [Anger now.]  Of course I’M not the one sewing on it!  It’s just for look-sees.  Display purposes only.  Because this thing is astonishingly gorgeous.  Like the Chrysler Building and a Model T Ford all rolled into one.  It’s completely amazing with its intricate-yet-surprisingly-simple machinery, golden scrollwork and woodwork cabinetry.

But trust me when I say that sewing on one of these things is hard work.  Imagine having to pat your head and rub your belly WHILE sewing AND riding a bike AND DOING MATH and you’ll get a better picture of what I’m talking about.  In other words, it’s completely impossible. 

In which case screw you and yer pea-pickin’ heart – instead God bless the women in the early 1900’s who had to sew on these things.  [Reminder: Electricity wasn’t invented yet.  And neither was Target.  So there was no place to get trendy, ready-made clothes at reasonable prices.  Instead, they had to be made in a sweat shop for one.]

Can you just picture these poor gals?  With their hair poofed just so and tucked up under their broad-brimmed hats topped with fruit and tulle.  Sitting their plump partridge bosoms and corseted wasp waists down at this “modern marvel” gettin’ busy making a pair of skinny jeans?!?

No wonder why they ended up going all Suffragette City on us. 

I, for one, don’t blame ’em.  Sew there!  Heh, heh, heh – you knew THAT was comin’ didntcha?

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