My days roar with silence (I’ve gotta start playing some music during the day.  In fact, more 80’s music oughta do the trick.  80’s songs will always cure what ails ya!  Plus they make you 16 again with awesome hair and cute clothes.); So much silence in fact that I’ve begun to consider the chats I have with the kids during the car ride home from school to be the highlight of the day.  These little humans are truly scintillating conversationalists!

To prove the point, I present to you The Conversation From The Car Ride Home Today:

SON: (pointing to the ripped dude riding his bike without a shirt on.  Hey!  It’s Colorado!!  There’s lots of topless bike riding going on.  Not by me, to be clear.  But it’s hot and sunny – kills two birds with one stone – so I can totally understand the thought process.)  “Wow!  Look at that guy’s six pack!”

ME:  “Six pack?  Did you just say six pack?  How do you know what a six pack is?  What is a six pack??”

SON: “It’s those bumps that you get on your stomach.”

ME: [in my head] Hey!  I’ve got bumps on my stomach.  Maybe I also have a six pack and didn’t know it.

DAUGHTER:  “Daddy doesn’t have a six pack.  He just has a belly…that’s kindof round.”

ME: [in my head] And so does Mommy, so we’re even.  Evenly matched.  A match made in Heaven!  Wuv, twew wuv.

SON: “The hulk also has a six pack…but his is more like a thirteen pack.”

DAUGHTER: “No, he wouldn’t have a thirteen pack because that wouldn’t be even.  That would look weird.  It’s probably either a twelve pack or just a really big six pack.”

ME: [in my head] Excellent point, Daughter.  I wonder if the Hulk’s wife (Mrs. Hulk?) also has a twelve pack?  But how would we know because she probably wears a blouse and skirt instead of those weird pants that are all shredded at the bottom.  Gween wuv twew wuv!

At which point the conversation droned on and on about other superheros with various packs vs. actual humans with no packs and I was forced to turn on the radio.   As luck would have it, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun was on.

ME: [in my head] Why yes, yes we do!  And doesn’t my hair look great? It really shows off this cute outfit.

I met a friend last week for coffee.  She’s a stay at home mom who used to be (still is – duh) a Child Psychologist.  I mean, come on!  This woman has her PhD!!!  So I thought for sure she knows what to do with her time while the kids are in school.

I asked her to give me some suggestions for what I should be doing during the day.  Specifically, I asked her what she had done the day before.  Her reply was, “you know all those shopping bags you keep but never use?  Well I organized them and then put them back under the sink in the laundry room.”

Ta da!!!  Like magic our day is done. And we can account for our time by all of the small accomplishments trailing behind us.

When I arrived home later that day, I found she had texted me with the following:

How to fill your day idea number 97: get a puppy!

To which I replied:

Oooh, yes!  Excellent suggestion.  And here’s idea number 98: get a massive hole in my head.  I need that about as much as I need a new puppy!!!

But I have started researching new puppies.

There’s a formula!  Why didn’t anyone tell me there was a formula?!   Instead, you were all like “Noooooo…don’t tell the new chick about the formula!  She’s all ‘smart’ and ‘observant’ she’ll figure it out on her own.  Eventually.”

Well, I’m on to you.  I have totally figured it out.  So screw you!  And just to show you who’s boss, I’m gonna tell the world.  Hey, World!  Here it is!!  Here is the stay at home mom what-happens-with-your-time formula (or for-mew-ler as my mother and Plankton from SpongeBob SquarePants would say):

fx: [insert time period here], I was going to (fill in the blank) but instead  (fill in the blank) and as a result (fill in the blank) .  NOTE TO SELF:(fill in the blank)     

Using this morning as an example, the for-mew-ler might read something like this:

This morning, I was going to go for a nice, long run and therefore avoid the cleaning ladies so I was dressed in my stankest running gear but instead my daughter “petted” a drowsy bee while she was waiting for a.m. carpool and Surprise!  She ended up getting stung and as a result while I was performing triage on her pinky at the kitchen sink with a copper penny and some baking soda, the carpool left and I had to drive her to school myself.  At which point I was conned into joining some other moms for coffee.  They were all dressed to the nines because they were going to mass after coffee.  And then to lunch at a new place they’ve been wanting to try.  Did I mention the stankity stank stankness of my running gear?  NOTE TO SELF: do not EVER join people for coffee when you look and feel (and clearly smell) like an a$$! 

You see it, right?  You totally see what I’m talking about, right?!  I’m absolutely on to something and to prove the point, I’ll use the for-mew-ler on yesterday as well…

Yesterday, I was going to clean the entire house and finally be done with the cleaning ladies and all of the guilt they engender but instead aliens abducted me  during my key housecleaning hours (from 9 to 2) and when I became aware of time again, I was so sleepy I had to “rest my eyes” for a bit and as a result I was late picking up afternoon carpool despite my mad dash through town.  And I had a bad case of bedhead which I don’t think I covered up very well even though I employed some excellent and creative finger-combing.  NOTE TO SELF: keep a baseball cap in the car.

Ok, now it’s your turn.  You try it.

Here’s the recent email I received from my mother after I asked for her feedback on this blog:

Blog is really funny. (I’m charging for references to and advice from your mother!) Always nice to have an avocation but I still think you should be looking for a “real” job. LOL Mom

There are a couple of things I should explain here…the first of which is that despite repeated reminders, my mom still thinks LOL means Lots-of-Love (Mom, really – it means Laughing-out-Loud).

The second is that I should tell you my mother was an English major in college and is therefore special in that not all moms routinely use words like “avocation” in their emails.

Given that, you now might be saying to yourself, “well, MY mother wasn’t an English major, so what does avocation even mean?!” Webster’s Dictionary defines it as an activity engaged in for enjoyment, in addition to one’s regular work or profession i.e. a hobby.

There ya have it, Folks. My mom’s roundabout way of saying:  Gee, Hon…the blog is fun for a lark, but don’t quit your day job!

And while they TOOK my day job (I didn’t give it up willingly i.e. quit), you get the idea; don’t quit LOOKING for your day job.

Ack! This loving advice (for some strange reason) reminds me of a(nother?) cringe-worthy experience I had with my mom during an ill-fated clothes shopping trip to Fashion Bug in the early 80’s during which she commented that she didn’t think they made parachute pants in “big girl” sizes. Ack! See what I mean?! YOU’RE totally cringing now too!!

I’ve just been firmly put in my place. BY MY OWN MOTHER!!!

But maybe I’m reading too much into it? Maybe my reaction here is based on my own feelings of inadequacy as a stay at home mom (as a blogger? as a “sturdy” pre-pubescent??) and not really how the message was intended. In which case, two final possibilities present themselves: 1) with her comment about “charging” for references, perhaps she’s looking for her OWN day job? Or…….2)maybe she really was just laughing out loud.

Hi, Mom!

I saw a friend last week who – without knowing about my job take – mentioned that I looked so well-rested and refreshed.  She wanted to know my secret.

And then another friend – who did know about my job take and who wanted to see if I could get together for coffee one day this week – texted me yesterday and said that I looked skinny and wanted to know if I was spending my days working out (hardy har har – I guess that’s how we stay at homers josh around with each other).

But that brings us to a more pressing issue.  WTF?!?  Clearly I looked like a fat, frazzled mess when I was working full-time!!!  And here I thought I pulled it all off with panache!  Élan!!  Apparently not so much.  So now we’ve got to add delusional to the mix.  Fat, frazzled, delusional.

Here’s how the score now stands: Being a stay at home mom – 1.  Being a working mom – 0.

When you were in grade school, do you remember that sinking feeling you would always get at the end of a long weekend?  Despite your best efforts, knowing you had to go to school the next day always ruined the last few hours of your time off.

Well, some things never change.  Today’s youth still feels that way.

Case in point, last night we were sitting at the kitchen table coming down from the Labor Day Weekend high, and my 10-year-old daughter (an A student I might add) commented on how she didn’t want to go to school tomorrow.  In fact the exact words were, “I hate school.  It’s boring and you have to wake up early!   I wish I could trade places with you.”

Understanding that the “you” she meant actually included her father and didn’t really include me (or doesn’t include me right now that is but I’m looking for a job, so it will shortly include me again.  Hi, Unemployment Agency!) I was particularly curious to know what sort of glamorous picture she has painted of the work-a-day world.  So I asked, “what do you think we do at work all day?”

She replied, “type emails, do calls.”

[Why yes.  That’s exactly right!  How thrilling it all is when you put it that way!!]

“But wait, Honey….we wake up early too.  Does that ruin your ‘work is nothin’ but good times’ theory?!  And what about all the business  trips?”

“Yeah, Mom.  That too.  You fly on planes.”

Hmmm…back when I graduated from college, getting a job seemed so much harder.  That may have been because there were no computers and therefore no emails to type so you had to come up with other mad skilllzzz that proved your worth?!

Double major in college?  Check!  Acquired a master’s degree in 18 months while working full-time?  Check!  Managed a half dozen people and have years of progressive work experience with several promotions under your belt to prove it? Checkity check check!!

And – well – now that them there compewters are prevalent and portable, and my job has been taken away after 25 years in the working world, it still seems a bit harder than that, but maybe it’s not.  Maybe I’ve been focusing on all the wrong stuff?  Perhaps I just have to find a 10-year-old girl-who-doesn’t-want-to-go-back-to-school-after-a-long-week-end to interview me.  The significantly shortened version of my resume I would provide her with would look something like this:

NAME
Address
Phone Number
LinkedIn profile hyperlink symbol
Facebook Page hyperlink
Fancy Underlining
Stunning Summary of my hopes and desires (with frequently used keywords)
Work Experience:
1. Can type emails
2. Can “do” calls
3. Can fly on airplanes

Am I hired?!